Online dating?
Online dating is far from a new concept. In various forms it has existed for maybe thirty years (or more) on the internet, and far longer in other media forms before that. There are now many people alive who are the direct product of meetings from such services, so the days where online dating is seen as “weird” are now well and truly behind us.
Dating apps?
The emergence of dating apps came about largely as an extension of existing dating websites. All it did was make the means of accessing the platform easier, and give a consistent user experience to everyone now accessing the services from their smartphones and (to a lesser extent) tablet devices. However the shift from dating websites to apps has altered the behaviour of people using the services, and subsequently also brought about changes in the services themselves.
In the earlier days of the internet, websites tended to have different segments of the overall screen dedicated to different parts of the user experience. There might have been a menu, separate content sections in the middle and ad banners or bars on one side of the site (usually the top or right hand side of the page). This allowed the site operator to run more diverse content, particularly when it came to earning revenue to support the service. With the shift to apps and mobile devices with much smaller display areas, there was no longer room for particularly diverse content. Simplicity of the experience became paramount and gone were the annoying ads and popups.
The disadvantage was that with the loss of these revenue sources, service providers needed to find new ones. One option was paid subscription, however this would come at the cost of gaining new users, and on a dating app it is absolutely critical to at least provide a perception of large numbers of people using the service. Another option was to collect personal information which could then be sold to interested parties (usually for market research or promotional reasons), which opens up a lot of ethical questions, particularly as people become more sensitive to knowing exactly where their personal information is going and how it is being used. Service providers were left with a difficult problem to solve - how to get people to start using the service and how to keep them there.
Enter Tinder and the “swipe” apps.
These apps aim to simplify the experience of connecting with other people by removing all of the time consuming content, and instead simply making it about visual aspects. Instead of reading lengthy profiles, everything is down to what is usually a few seconds of looking at another person and deciding “are they hot, or not?” and not much else. While this style of dating might work for some people (particularly those looking for no long term connections), it makes it particularly difficult to take into account the many other aspects of a person that help decide whether or not they are the kind of person to consider a longer term relationship with. As a result, quite a large number of similar but slightly different apps popped up to try and fill the this void while still providing a simple user experience. The experiences on these apps (eg. Bumble, Hinge, and many others) varies quite widely as a result.
The Good
“Swipe” style dating apps do have some good aspects, despite the reputation they’ve built over time. One is that it removes a lot of the pressure people face when it comes to showing intent to date, which can make the whole experience a lot less intimidating and anxiety inducing, especially for people who are more introverted. With the recent pandemic affecting social skills and the increasing trend for younger people in general to avoid traditional communications means, they can be a lot more comfortable to use and can make navigating the dating scene much less stressful.
Another benefit of course is variety. All dating apps since they formed have pretty much had filters or means to match people up. The “swipe” apps have filters as well, such as age, distance and in some cases interests and what sort of relationship is being looked for. Once these are set, you get presented with photo after photo from various profiles and the decision is quite simple… Yes, or No. There really isn’t much that could confuse even the most technologically illiterate of users.
The Bad
Of course, there is the bad side as well. Whether intentional and by design, or merely the natural outcome of user behaviour, the “swipe” style dating apps do tend to lead to poor user experiences. The most common one experienced by men is low (or in some cases, no) matches. Of course, this can be for any number of reasons… The profile might not be eye-catching enough, or might be not what is being looked for. The bio might be insufficient, non-existent or say something that causes a serious case of ICK! Whatever the cause might be, the lack of matches ends up causing men to feel disillusioned, depressed, or even to feel that the whole thing is a bit of a scam.
Meanwhile the most common experience by women seems to be low quality of matches. While the number of matches is typically higher (due to a larger male to female ratio of users on most of these apps plus a tendency for men to try and match as many options as possible), the conversations are lower quality if they even happen at all, and the calibre of the match themselves can end up being quite different to what is expected. The end result in this case tends to be a type of burnout, where the whole thing becomes both overwhelming and disappointing all at the same time. There might be brief moments of engagement and interest, but they end up dropping off fast and it’s on to the next conversation where exactly the same thing happens.
The other result of that burnout, particularly when combined with other stress factors from life, is that the desire to date and the corresponding effort put into the process of dating drops right off. With it being a negative or disappointing experience it naturally gets deprioritised in favour of more enjoyable or beneficial life tasks and events instead. With anything and everything else coming up and keeping you busy, suddenly weeks or months can go by without even opening any of the apps.
In both cases, the experience is not particularly positive. Furthermore, the matches which do happen in both cases (men trying to match with women and women trying to match with men) lead to a small proportion of the userbase of each getting significant numbers of matches, while the vast majority get far fewer. With the imbalance in gender ratios plus men being more prepared to try and match with any possible option, this means a much smaller proportion of the male userbase end up getting a huge number of matches.
Another bad side is how limiting “swipe” apps can be. Simply put, there is far more to any person than their appearance. The first and most dominant thing seen of any profile is of course the photos, which means the personality of that person is never actually explored until well after a match is made and communication is happening. So there is never an opportunity to pre-filter possible matches unless something stands out in their bio.
Speaking of limits, a flip-side to the benefit above of variety is that it is possible to have too much of a “good” thing. With such a huge variety and so many options, people can become prone to treating each other as essentially being disposable and easily replaced. This leads to them never putting in the kind of effort required to build or maintain a relationship, because there is always plenty of backup options available. One description I saw online was “Dating apps do to your relationships what Tiktok does to your brain.” which really does sum up the way most “swipe” apps end up affecting us through lowered ability to concentrate and the desire to get the next instant gratification hit of dopamine.
The “Ugly”
In many ways app based communication makes it very easy to forget that on the other end of a conversation is usually another living, breathing person. As a result, it is far easier to let down the behavioural barriers that we all tend to have when we interact with each other face to face. People do things on apps that they would never dream of doing in public. Take for example the tendency for certain men to send unsolicited dick pics. We’ve all heard about it, it is nearly universally criticised and mocked, and yet it still happens. If you were to behave in the same fashion in public, or even in private venues while interacting with someone you might end up being assaulted, or more likely arrested and charged with a variety of offences.
So why do people act this way online? Because there is no significant consequences for them doing so. Nobody else sees, they are not judged for it by the people around them who’s opinions matter to them. They can in many ways be their more “real” selves, and in some cases those are far less pleasant people than the version they show everyone else in real life.
The other ugly part of all dating platforms and apps is of course… The fakes. Fake profiles are an absolute scourge on any dating platform or app, and they do incredible amounts of harm to all sorts of people. Sometimes it is just people misrepresenting themselves, but more often than not financial scams are involved, often preying on people who are simply looking for friendship, companionship or relationships. This has the potential to ruin lives, and there are entire industries out there in the world who’s sole aim is to exploit vulnerable people in order to steal from them.