Perspectives from the other side of the room are interesting…
I always am interested to hear what things are like for the average heterosexual woman trying to navigate the modern dating scene. Not only does it give me a picture of what is considered attractive or icky, but it also helps me understand what the experience is like and what really annoys them about dating as well.
Many of the challenges aren’t that much different to what guys face, such as trying to find someone with a compatible personality and with similar views, dealing with mind games and manipulators, dealing with disappointment and so on… But there are some differences which stand out as well.
Ghosting right before a date
I really can’t understand what is going on here. The typical experience for the vast majority of guys seems to be that they might get a handful of matches at any one time on the apps, and of those only a limited number actually convert to dates. It isn’t exactly hard to avoid timing clashes either, so I find it hard to believe that so many dates are being cancelled due to accidental clashes.
What could be going on instead?
There could be a few possibilities here. Some guys probably like the “thrill of the chase”, but when it comes to the actual date and meeting in person they basically chicken out. It doesn’t necessarily mean they were lying about whatever they had on their profiles, rather that for whatever reason they weren’t able to deal with the whole thing seemingly becoming “real”. Some guys like to “play the field”. This isn’t even gender specific, and in my experience I suspect plenty of women do exactly the same thing. Whether it be through swiping right for every option, or simply being in high demand these people end up matched with enough potential options that they can afford to pick and choose between them. In the case of guys, they might be setting up these dates on the basis that it “locks in” the option even though it is essentially a back-up they’ll only settle with should their preferred option fall through… In essence, they’re being less fussy or selective in who they’d settle for at the cost of being decent to those they’re matching with. Some could simply be trying to cheat and are unable to shake the attention of a suspicious partner.
My perspective
Whatever the cause, I’m yet to encounter anyone who actually dates in this fashion, namely setting up a whole series of dates they have no intention of going through with. It seems like a rather difficult and time consuming way of dating anyway! Has it happened to me? Thinking back, it has… As I recall I was given a particularly unbelievable excuse as to why she couldn’t make it to the date, but what really made it clear was that there was zero attempt to set up a replacement date at another time. Disappointing as it was, I do feel like I dodged a bullet there as someone prepared to behave that way probably wouldn’t have been able to participate in a healthy relationship anyway.
Item not as described
Basically when the profile photos don’t match the person who turns up at the actual date. Again, this is far from being a gender specific issue, people of all sorts do this. Most often the problem is that the photos are either quite old so the disparity between perceived age and actual age is obvious, or that there has been a substantial change in the person since the photos were taken, such as considerable weight gain, loss (or gain) of distinctive features (eg long hair, facial hair, tattoos and piercings, etc) or even just really poor presentation.
My perspective
Believe it or not, first impressions do count! In fact, so do second and third impressions for that matter, so it is well worth actually discussing what those expectations of one another might be before meeting up.
You’ve always got time to read the instructions
Another complaint… Not reading what is on the bio. Now sure, this can be a problem if the bio itself is of poor quality, but it seems a heck of a lot of guys are swiping purely based on the photos they see and never actually reading the bio until after the match (if at all). This is frustrating because it not only indicates a lack of effort or care when it comes to showing interest in potential matches, it also pretty much guarantees disappointment when the match is found to be incompatible purely because one person didn’t bother to read first.
My perspective
Again I suspect my approach is probably atypical, but I always read the bio of anyone I’m considering attempting to match with, just to ensure there are no deal breakers mentioned there. I am selective in who I choose to show interest in and I don’t want to mislead anyone or waste my own time. In any case, almost all swipe-style dating apps these days have countermeasures to indiscriminate swiping and are able to detect when a user is doing it. The usual response is to decrease the chance that they’re shown to prospective matches or they may even be shadow-banned. So if you’re wondering why you get zero matches after swiping right a million times, this might well be why.