Introduction
As a single person, one of the things we often get is advice from others. This advice might be solicited and welcome, or unsolicited and unwelcome… Or even somewhere in-between. Usually it comes from closer friends and family, but occasionally even can come from relative strangers should the topic come up in conversation.
What can get a bit frustrating is when you start hearing the same comments over and over again, particularly ones which are intended to be helpful. I’ve covered a few of the ones I’ve heard often enough below, and why I tend to find them a bit frustrating.
“You just need to…”
I’ve heard this one plenty of times, usually with a few slight variations, such as “You just need to get out and meet more people”, or “You just need to take up more hobbies”, or the always fun “You just need to take a chance”. I don’t necessarily find these comments particularly frustrating, but they do get repetitive and a bit unhelpful particularly after being single for a substantial length of time. The reality is if these offered options worked for me, I’d not be single anymore!
The real problem here is that these sorts of comments tend to simplify and downplay the experiences we do end up having when trying to meet potential matches. It makes what is often a challenging experience sound much easier than it really is, which in turn can make it feel like there is something wrong with us for not finding the experience as simple as it sounds.
“There are plenty of fish in the sea!”
This one tends to be the kind of thing I hear from people I don’t know so well, rather than people who know me such as close friends and family. It isn’t necessarily untrue, but for me at least I tend to interpret it a little differently to the way it is intended.
The statement itself is meant to imply and provide some comfort that while past and current lack of success might be disappointing, there are still lots of options out there and you have to just keep on trying. This isn’t untrue per se… (and if you don’t try, you’ll definitely not find anyone), but I also happen to be a rather avid SCUBA diver so I’ve spent plenty of time in the ocean, usually hanging around large populations of fish on beautiful tropical reefs.
There are actually plenty of fish in the sea, especially around tropical reefs. However, they’re not all there being friendly! In reality most fish spend a heck of a lot of time simply trying to find food or trying not to become food, and if they’re very lucky they might get to the point of looking for a mate (if they’re even more lucky, they might even succeed). Sadly for them, the reality is that the chances any single fish has at succeeding in life is incredibly small. The entire breeding strategy for many fish is to have hundreds, if not thousands of offspring on the basis that only a tiny fraction will even make it to adulthood. And let’s not get into how exactly things would work out for Marlin and Nemo in reality if his mother disappeared!
So to me, hearing this statement is like hearing “Yep, there’s plenty of options out there… Except they’re mostly not your type, some will try and eat you, and chances are you’ll fail!” Not particularly encouraging after all…
“You’ll find someone…”
Another line I’ve heard fairly often, and I’ve come to the conclusion that those saying it aren’t so much saying it for my benefit, rather they’re saying it for themselves and their own comfort instead. I think it speaks more to a hope, wish or prayer rather than any specific real circumstance or certainty, because ultimately there is nothing behind it other than faith.
It isn’t a bad thing to hear, as it does provide some comfort… But when you hear it again and again while reality tells a different story it does get a bit tiring. For anyone listening to a friend or relative lamenting about their singledom, maybe try mixing it up a bit and saying something else, or even just listening for a while instead.
Depending on the friendship you have, also consider giving frank and honest advice as well. It will be far more helpful than an empty comfort statement.
“It will happen when you least expect it!”
Ahh yes, the old surprise relationship! And to be fair, this one might potentially be true in its own way - in that releasing yourself from that pressure to find a partner can help you relax, be more natural and yourself, and consequently be seen to be less desperate for attention (which is a known “ick” for quite a lot of people). It does have one downside, which is when you hear it enough, you begin to expect something to happen because you’re not expecting something to happen, and the whole illusion falls apart!
The other part of this is that it also removes the focus on self-improvement. While something might happen when you least expect it, you still need to ensure the circumstances are right for it to even be possible, and that takes effort and energy to put yourself in those situations where you can meet people. Building a relationship takes effort and energy, and building the circumstances to make that even possible takes similar effort as well.
Finishing up, for now…
I’m sure there are other similar bits of advice or even annoying statements we’ve all heard out there before. I can already think of some more which might find their way into a subsequent post… If you’ve got your own examples of frustrating advice or things others say to you which really grind your gears, feel free to let me know over on Instagram. Maybe I’ll even throw them in on the next post!