So Why Are You Single?

Introduction

It’s one thing pretty much every single person has been asked at some point. “Why are you single” Most people have heard it often enough to find the question frustrating and annoying, not least because if they knew the answer they likely wouldn’t be single! Either way, its a question many will both hear and ask at some point, even if just as a way to start a conversation or as a gateway to giving some sort of compliment.

So why do people ask?

Lots of reasons! When it comes to friends and family, the question is usually asked out of curiosity, or more often to try and cheer up or encourage someone who they feel sorry for. The usual response (whatever the reason given) is often disbelief, followed by some compliments (“but you’re so pretty/handsome!”) and either suggestions of how to improve dating success, or reassurance that things will change or get better. I’ve certainly heard the statement “you’ll find someone” far more often that I’d like!

When it comes to single people on the dating apps asking each other why they’re single, the motivation is usually a bit different. In these cases it’s often part of smalltalk, and the intent is to try and open the discussion up on a topic that all single people can relate to, namely being single. This can then extend to discussion of relationships, and of course dating success and horror stories. It’s a way to start getting to know someone, but it does serve another purpose as well, which is to try and identify any potential red flags.

Red flags and projection

So how does asking someone why they’re single help you identify potential red flags? In short, the answer is through projection. Proper definitions of the concept in terms of psychology can be found with a quick search with your favourite search engine, but in essence, projection is the act of ascribing often negative emotions or behavioural traits that you possess onto others. Pretty much everyone does this in some form, whether consciously or subconsciously, and it usually comes down to being a form of emotional self-defence. Nobody really likes thinking bad things about themselves, so its far easier to think about them when they’re present in other people instead.

Getting back to dating, when asking why someone is single and then expanding the conversation onto the topic of past relationships, part of this is to try and find out more about how that person conducts themselves in relationships. It isn’t as simple as taking their descriptions of the behaviour of their ex-partners and putting them back onto them either. Instead, it is a combination of identifying trends and issues that might occur again, and making comparisons should the relationship go beyond the early stages of dating.

What are they looking for?

Red flags take a lot of different forms for different people, so it isn’t any single specific thing. However there are common elements that plenty of people would probably be aiming to figure out. The most obvious one is whether there is some sort of issues or traits which put other people off or which have resulted in relationship failure previously. So they’re looking to find out what you might have argued about with your ex, dating horror stories where the other person suddenly went from interested to not interested with no obvious explanation, causes for disagreements and drama with friends, family and partners and so on.

People often let down their guard about themselves when talking about experiences they have with others as well, so while they might never describe themselves as being argumentative about a given topic, they’ll freely talk about how they got in an argument with multiple other people on multiple occasions about that same topic, often while seeking validation for their particular views in the process! This makes it easy to figure out compatibility without exposing your own views, and if there are fundamental incompatibilities, to make a safe withdrawal from the relationship.

This seems creepy, can I do anything about it?

Of course you can, but some options might not be a particularly good idea. For some people, instead of talking about such things they just deflect or avoid the topic entirely. This might work for a while, but the very fact such topics are being avoided will quickly become apparent to any potential partners, and the assumption will end up being that you have something to hide.

You can also simply be honest. This can give mixed results, because if you do have some personal traits that aren’t pleasant, it absolutely will put others off or give them negative impressions of you.

I find the best approach for myself is a combination of being honest, but to also do plenty of self-reflection to come to terms with any undesirable traits in myself and ways to mitigate them. That doesn’t mean trying to fix everything, nor does it mean simply leaving everything the way it is and expecting everyone else to just deal with it either. Instead, it means fixing what is able to be fixed and accepting that there are other certain things that will take longer to fix, or which might not even really be problems you want to fix. It can be quite helpful to talk about such things with a suitably qualified therapist as well, but at minimum there is absolutely no harm discussing it with yourself inside your own head, at minimum it can give you insight into what you could do differently and nobody would be able to hear your thoughts anyway!

Conclusion

The longer you’re single, the more you’ve heard it. Yes, being asked why you’re single is frustrating, tiring, annoying. But it isn’t a question to avoid asking yourself unless it becomes toxic to your own mental health. If you are getting to this point, make an appointment with a suitably qualified mental health professional and talk it out, or at least find someone else to talk to about it.

As for asking others why they’re single, consider how such a question can be interpreted as well. Sure, it sounds innocuous enough, especially when combined with a compliment of some sort, but in many cases it also serves as a reminder to an unhappily single person that they are still single. Reminding them will bring forth frustration or even anger which of course will promptly get directed at you for asking. There are lots of ways to learn about someone and to tease out details, so mix it up and ask about other things such as their relationship with siblings or their experiences at school instead.