Introduction
We’ve all heard the horror stories. Chances are many of us of all genders and orientations have also experienced some ourselves. Toxicity in dating is nothing new, and has existed probably as long as dating has been a thing.
What has changed however, is the nature of communities and communication within them. The internet has done many things since it exploded into our everyday lives, but by far one of the biggest things it enabled since even its earliest days was the easy formation of communities from all over the world.
Whether this has been a good thing or not is still debated even today, and while it is tempting to focus on the negatives, I’m firmly of the belief that the ability to form communities and interact the way the internet has enabled has been a significant force for good, especially for those who were previously more marginalised and shunned in intolerant societies.
Of course, communities are made up of people, and people of all sorts exist. So not only are there communities that do good, there are unfortunately communities that do harm as well. I’m not going to go into detail about those, as just about anyone could probably fill pages on the topic of toxic communities if asked. Instead I’ll keep to some of the elements of it with regards to the modern dating scene.
Online toxicity and dating
Communities tend to spring up for people to feel a sense of belonging. The people within them have either situations, ideals or interests in common. Naturally when it comes to dating, a whole variety of communities have popped up, where people seek advice from their peers, or more often commiserate on their lack of success when navigating the dating scene. It is quite natural for people to want to share their worries and ideals, especially with others who are sympathetic or who are in the same or similar situations.
Unfortunately, there are groups that form which end up becoming dangerous echo chambers for toxic behaviour. These often start as advice communities which try and draw in people who have been unsuccessful with dating. They then become platforms for some people to espouse their beliefs and more importantly place blame for the perceived lack of success. The community then amplifies and validates these views, causing them to become more and more radical in response.
In some cases they can become almost cult-like, actively rejecting anyone who doesn’t hold the same views and aggressively working to espouse and promote their specific beliefs. These tend to centre around a specific ideology, often promoted by one or more influencers who represent or depict the kind of person the followers wish they were. While it might start out as a influencer-follower situation, these can even evolve into businesses where “self-help” guides, courses and more are promoted that promise to solve the problems the followers face.
In terms of dating this often takes the form of strategies on how to manipulate others to do what you want. It is from this that we’ve had the emergence of trends such as “negging”, “breadcrumbing”, “love bombing” and various forms of gaslighting.
Incels
The term “Incel” stands for “Involuntary celibate”, used both externally and self-referentially to refer to someone who is unable to get into a (sexual) relationship despite their desire to be in one. While the term is more often targeted at men, it isn’t actually gender specific and can refer to anyone of any orientation.
When used by someone to describe someone else, the frequently cited reason that they are that way is due to character or personality flaws that make them unattractive. It rarely has much to do with physical characteristics, rather their behaviour can be seen as dangerous and best avoided.
When used by someone as a self-description, the frequently cited reason is that everyone else has the personality flaws. Such people tend to see themselves as victims of a system or systems that are biased against them, unable to get what they want because it is actively being denied to them. A huge component of this is that they blame others, often the very people they would like to date for this and take out their frustrations on them and their communities. They may have little awareness of their own characteristics or otherwise be in denial about their own behavioral traits and will tend to seek out others who hold the same beliefs, often in online communities where they feel safest to express themselves. They may also attack those who disagree with their views, perceiving them to be part of the system they feel victimised by.
Catfishing
The act of catfishing is to lure someone into a relationship on the basis of a false online profile or persona. These days however the term is usually used to describe someone who misrepresents themselves on dating apps, whether it be through very old photos or even photos of someone else entirely.
Why exactly people do this is quite varied. The motivation might be to scam, blackmail or otherwise harm or derive advantage from others, or it could be that they see themselves as unattractive and want to see what it is like for others they perceive as more successful. They may even be wanting to pretend they are the way they used to be when younger, or when they felt they were more physically attractive than they are now. They may simply be bored and want to mess with other people for entertainment purposes.
Fundamentally it ends up being a type of lying or misrepresentation, which I think we can all agree is not the way any sort of healthy relationship is formed. The outcome is that at least one person ends up feeling hurt and betrayed, and often the catfisher themselves ends up trapped in a web of lies they eventually are unable to maintain.
Quite a large number of studies into the psychology of catfishing have been done, and interestingly the behaviour isn’t always associated with malice. Instead, it is often used as a form of escapism, or to live out fantasies which are otherwise impossible offline. In these cases the root cause often stems from deep seated personal insecurities, fears and a desire for attention and acceptance. In rarer cases when it is a malicious act, the intent can be seeking revenge or advantage.
Irrespective of cause, it will pretty much always result in someone being a victim one way or another, which along with the dishonest aspects of the behaviour is why I have a zero tolerance to it myself.
Have I been catfished, or attempted catfished before? Absolutely yes. The scammer types will nearly universally try and get you off the dating platform as quickly as possible, and will try and sell whatever it is that will get them their desired payday. Frequently it will be some sort of “get rich quick” scheme involving crypto currencies or similar, or they may show an unusual interest in getting you to undertake behaviour they can blackmail you with down the track, such as sending nude photos or other potentially compromising information. Other times they may make promises which can only be fulfilled if you send them money, and somehow more and more obstacles and expenses will keep stacking up until the money runs out. These ones are ultimately fairly unsophisticated and easy to recognise.
The harder to recognise ones are where the photos on the profile don’t really match the person you are chatting to. In these cases I’ve typically noticed them by trying to talk about the photos themselves, and quickly discovered the person I’m talking to either knows nothing about the places they’ve claimed to have visited, or after a bit of extra searching, discovered that the actual location the photo was taken in has changed significantly since it was taken. You may have seen the viral meme of someone claiming to be 23 on Tinder, with the World Trade Centre twin towers in the background of their adult photograph. Given the twin tower attacks occurred back in 2001 and Tinder itself was launched in 2012, the age claimed simply doesn’t correspond with the obvious age of the photographs irrespective of when the profile was created.
Can you avoid catfish? Probably not, especially in the age we’re entering with AI generated imagery. My suggestion would be to make sure you talk first and establish they are who they claim, never ever send money to anyone you don’t actually know in person, and definitely don’t agree to do anything for them without being certain of what they want you to do it for. Definitely don’t send compromising photos or videos either!
“Revenge” behaviour
Dating can be complex, and involves the whole spectrum of emotions. Some people are more able to cope when things go bad, and some may choose to react in ways which are generally considered to be toxic. This includes behaviour designed to attack another person, usually because the person doing the attacking feels wronged by them. Such behaviour includes posting revenge porn (such as compromising pictures of an ex), posting lies and spreading rumours or other damaging information designed to upset, harm or ruin the reputation of another person, and otherwise causing the target of the behaviour to feel distress.
These situations are always complex, because everyone involved generally has a different perspective and opinions on the situation. Even environments that have been set up with the best of intentions (eg “are we dating the same person?” communities) can be weaponised and used to do harm instead of good.
So is there an answer to this sort of thing? Yes and no. Nobody can in all fairness control the behaviour of others, but we can choose how we behave ourselves. Tempting as it can be to engage in “revenge” behaviours, often the best option is to step back and assess yourself first. If the other person has genuinely caused real (or criminal) harm to you, handle it through the authorities and legal system instead.